Cautiously excited with BFP!

Yeahhhh, well later on I tried a frer and got a BFP, so I am very causiously excited. We arent telling anyone really yet, except bloggers and fertility friend girls, as we are still worried that things could go bad. I went for beta on Wednesday, which was either 11 or 13 dpo, and the result came back 45.9. My RE said that was low, and now I need to go again for another beta to check and see if it is doubling or not, and won't know the results until Monday.

Fingers crossed that things will go good this time, and that baby will have my blood and have a much higher chance at surviving.

FXFXFX

Too Good to Be True

Cycle day 28 today. I was so excited this month, I really thought this was it. I had the perfect triphasic looking chart. I started doing pregnancy tests early as usual, and on CD 27, which was 12 DPO, I started to get faint pink lines. I tested first with FMU, and got a tiny pink line on a Dollarama stor cheapie test, and also tested with a internet cheapie test (which that one was big fat negative), but I was still holding on to hope since the $store test clearly had a light pink line.

I then tested a few hours later after holding my pee for as long as I could, and this time both types of tests came up with light pink lines, and the $store test was a bit darker then before. I told myself not to get too excited, as these tese were prone to false positives and evap lines. But how can you not start getting excited? Great high temps, a triphasic chart, and 3 tests showing little pink lines.

Later that night I tried a internet cheapie from earlypregnancytests.com, and it was BFN again. I tried not to worry and just tell myself that it was because I had been drinking some water and my pee was diluted.

But this morning when i tested again, all tests were BFN, and my temperature took a nose dive. I am so sad, and so depressed feeling, yet I can not seem to cry about it. I feel like the emotions are trapped inside screamign to get out. Maybe it's because I am still hoping for a miracle and that I will get clear BFP...but I am pretty sure I am out of the running now, and just waiting for AF to show. Booo

Being RH Sensitized

So a friend asked me to post about what has been going on, so here it is. I know it's long, and i copied/pasted it, so parts may sound a bit funny.

What happened was - I was scheduled to go in and meet with my RE near the beginning of January (this year), but just before that I found out I was finally pregnant for the first time, and a few days before my appointment I started to very heavily bleed and thought I was miscarrying. I called the RE's office and asked them if they would need me to come in earlier or get a ultrasound or anything done to confirm the miscarriage and they said no, and that I could just wait and come in on my appointment and the doctor would check things out there.

So my first problem with everything is that when I did first go in, my doctor never asked me my blood type, or if i was rh - or + (which at the time I didnt even know that such a thing existed) BUT I think he should have asked me and had me checked right away for my RH status knowing how important your blood type is in pregnancy and knowing that I had already been bleeding. He never did anything of the sort. He sent me for a hcg level test just to see that my levels were going down since I figured I miscarried. He also did a ultrasound and seen nothing in my uterus so at that time he too figured it was a straight and clean m/c. When my 2 hcg tests came back, it showed that my hcg was still going up instead of down. Byt this time it was almost 2 weeks later then when I had seen him. He sent me for emerg u/s and they found that I had a ectopic and my tube was about ready to burst. Since I was having no pain they gave me the methotrexate injection to get the pregnancy out of my tube. This was a different doctor and different hospital that did the ultrasound, and this other doctor asked me my RH status, and I didn't know what she was talking about. She got really worryied that my doctor had never ordered the test 2 weeks earlier when he knew i had been bleeding already and she even called him to double check on if he had got that test done or not. So she did the test and it came back RH-. She talked to my doctor again and they made me a appointment for that night to go and get my winrho (rhogam) shot since i had been bleeding and am RH-. So my shot was given to me about 3 weeks too late, and I feel that my doctor should have tested my RH status immediately once he knew I was already bleeding. If he would have tested for it right away, and got me my rhogam shot right away, I feel that it may have prevented all this from happening since I would have gotten it much sooner and not 3 weeks later....so like i said, I am not really sure if neglect if the right word or not about it.

The second thing that happened was that I again got pregnant this past August, and I called to tell them so I could go and get my hcg levels tested since they told me after the last pregnancy that since I had a ectopic already, I would be monitored more closely now. So I went and got 2 tests done and at that time my hcg was very good and doubling ever 27.4 hours. A week later I felt that something was not right and I called them to request another hcg test to ease my own mind. Well they ( the nuse/assistant lady) called me that day to tell me that I either had another ectopic or was about to miscarry. They wouldnt be able to tell which since my hcg was too low now to see anything on a u/s and just wanted to keep watching through hcg tests to make sure it was going down to 0 again. Just like any other woman in that situation, all I could think about was that I was losing my baby again. I never thought about my blood type at that time, and they never once told me to call them when i actually started bleeding because I would have to go and get another winrho/rhogam shot again, and would need to call them ASAP to get the appointment made for it. I started bleeding that day, which was a friday and was a complete emotional mess the entire weekend. It wasnt until the following Tuesday that I fianlly started to feel well enough to think about anything other then losing the baby, and i immediately thought of my blood and wondered why they had not mentioned it and told me to call when i started to bleed to get the appointment made for the shot.

I immediately called them to ask this question and the nurse/assistant told me that they did not have it in my file anywhere that I was infact RH-, or that I had already had my winrho/rhogam shot once already with my first loss. I was pissed about the fact that they did not have it in my record. I was with the other doctor when she said she was going to make me a photocopy of the tests they had done when they did my RH test, and that she was faxing it to my doctorm plus she had told him before over the phone abotu me being rh- and having to go get the shot. So by this time, it was already 5 days after I started bleeding, and the winrho/rhogam shot is suppose to be done within 3 days of bleeding. The nurse/assistant told me she was going to have to look into it and get back to me. She called me back later the next day in the morning and said for me to go get my shot that morning before noon, expecting that peole can just drop what they are doing or just up and leave their job and go with no warning. I could not leave at that time, I do home child care, had 5 kids here and no way to get to the place i needed to get the shot done. So I ended up having to wait till the next morning to get it done.

When I went in to talk to my RE about all of this and ask questions about it (it was a appointment set up previously sceduled for a ultrasound of the baby before I lost it) and he looked in my file and said that it did infact NOW have that I am RH- and had to previously get my shot. He had no idea that it was not in my chart before, so the nurse/assistant must have entered it after I talked to them on the phone asking about it when she had to call and confirm everything. So it is basically my word against theirs on that, because i doubt that she would admit that it wasnt there since it is her job to enter the info in the first place and it would have been her who screwed up by not entering it before and i doubt she would admit to that now. And now this has been 2 times that my shot was not given to me on time.

My RE told me that a embryo does not start developing red blood cells until after 8 weeks. My ectopic was 8 1/2 weeks when it was terminated and the miscarriage happened at 5 weeks, so I am pretty sure that it would have been the first pregnancy/loss that created the antibodies since it was over 8 weeks along, and the shot was about 3 weeks late. And since I feel that it was the first one that cuase this and that it could have been maybe prevented if my RE would have just tested me right away, I also feel that my second loss was due to him not testing me right away and me developing the antibodies after the first loss.

Where I live, we only have the one fertility clinic, and the next one is a minimun of 6 hours away, and I am not even sure they have one there. I don't want to burn my bridges, I still need them to help me get pregnant again, but I am at a loss for what to do now or where to go. My turst is not really with them a whole lot anymore. Not to mention, they tried to tell me that some women who are RH- just automatically become sensitized over time so it wasnt their fault that it happened, which I really do not think it true. I can not find one shred of evidence that says it is possible to become sensitized if you got your shots in time.

Sorry it is soooo long, i ramble when I am upset, and this definetly upsets me!

Ectopic again, or miscarriage....

Well I went for another beta last Thursday. I needed it for peace of mind, and now am so glad I did so knew what was about to come. Not that it made it any easier, but I did not freak out the way I would have if I had not known. My beta hcg level went from 206.6 on 15 dpo, down to 111.8 on 23 dpo. the doc said I am either having another ectopic pregnancy, or I am miscarrying the baby. I have to go for another beta again on this coming Thursday to see what my numbers are then. I have started bleeding now, so I know it is too much to try and hope the numbers will go back up and that everything will be alright. I am hoping for a miscarriage so that I know my tube does work, and if it is another ectopic, I just can not believe that they say my tubes are clean and clear of anything to hold the egg back. Plus at least if it is a miscarriage, we can continue to TTC right away and try again, instead of waiting 2-3 months like we had to last time.

So I guess it will be back to TTC mode again ASAP!

Best of luck to everyone, loads of baby dust!!!

OK, so here i finally is!!!! It's been so long since I updated, sorry for the delay, but it's been a crazy past few days. These tests are a few days old now, so I will update you ll on what's been going on.

So, we were camping a week and a half ago again, which was right around the time I knew I would be itching to be peeing on all sorts of sticks, squinting my yes ad holding the pee stick up in different lights to try my damndest to see that beautiful pink line. I knew if I took any tests with me, that I would constantly be obsessing about it and trying to find ways to go off on my own and pee on a stick. Instead, I decided not to take any tests with me, and just try and have a good time with my hubby, step-son, sis-in-law and her family. The days passed quickly, though the thought of whether or not I was pregnant was never far from my mind.

The days were beautiful, sunny and warm, an the nights a different story. The nights were cold. Very cold. I thought for sure we would wake up with frost on the ground and on our tent. Sure enough, during the nights I had to get up and pee about 3 times, which I NEVER do. I was also feeling bloated and constipated (sorry, tmi) so when we finally got home, I had to pee super bad and decided to pee on a stick. I was only 12 days past ovulation and was not expecting to see a second line, so I just used a dollar store cheapie. Sure enough, there was a faint little pink line. Now I know many people who gt false positives on those dollar store tests, so I decided to try a Internet cheapie as well. Sure enough, a second pink line. My hands were shaking at this point ad I was till not sure I believed it. I decided to try a Clear Blue Easy test AND a First Response test. Both came up with positive (you can see the first resp. test in the pic at the top, top test).

I went outside to tell my hubby, who by this time was a little peeved at me for taking so long since he already had almost everything unpacked from the car and trailer. I must of had some stage look on my face, because the first thing he said to me was "what's wrong". I simply told him I was pregnant. He didn't believe me and kept asking how I knew, and when I said I peed on 4 tests, and te only thins he had to say was "well why did you pee on 4?" Finally after what must of only been a minute or two, but felt like a hour, he came over to me and hugged me as I stood there and cried. After we went inside, I showed him the tests and he still was not sure if he believed it. I was only 12 dpo, and the lines were still lighter then the control line, and to him, they should be the same colour if I was pregnant. I finally had to pee on a digital for him to see the YES+ and finally believe that I am indeed pregnant.

I took the first tests at 12 dpo, 3 weeks and 1 day. I called my doctor the next day to order some blood work.

13 dpo beta = hcg level 61.5

15 dpo beta = hcg level 206.6

Doubling time of 27.34 hours

So right now, although I am at higher risk of having another ectopic pregnancy, I am hoping that this one will be a good pregnancy. I know that you can't tell anything yet by my Numbers since at this early there is still plenty of room to grow in my tubes, but I have a good feeling about this one.

First ultrasound will be done on September 21, and we will know whether or not our precious little bean is in the right place or not.

2 Week Wait - "Pregnancy Symptoms"

OK, so I am in the 2 week wait (2ww) now, 7 days past ovulation, but with still 8 more days until my Fertility Friend chart is telling me to test. 8 more days, are you kidding??? That is a eternity once you hit the 2ww. For me the first week always seems to go by much faster then the second. Maybe it's because you know the first week is way too early to be testing anyways, not that that has stopped me before when I was right in the prime of my peeing on a stick addiction, or maybe it's just because I always SEEM to stay busier during that first week. This cycle the first week went flying by since I have been really busy with 2 more funerals and spending time with my extended family, but now things have gone back to normal and the days seem to get much longer, although it is now staying darker in the mornings longer and getting darker in the evenings faster, so you would think that the days would seem to go by faster instead of slower.

Only 7 dpo, and already I am noticing how I am trying to analyse every little thing that could possible be a early pregnancy symptom. I always tell myself that I am being crazy and that I just need to let it go and wait it out before I start trying to make every little thing into pregnancy symptoms. Especially with this cycle since we have pretty much no chance in hell of being pregnant. I actually thought that with this cycle I would relax and not be symptom obsessive, but today I notices the obsession starting.

• Implantation bleeding (spotting)• A missed period• Basal body temperature • Tender, swollen breasts• Headache• Constipation• Mood Swings• Frequent urination• Fatigue• Nausea or vomiting• Bloating and Heartburn

Just to name a few common early pregnancy symptoms.

So this morning I woke up feeling just a tad bit of nausea. I tired to blow it off as just being hungry, since when I get hungry I don't get the "normal" tummy grumbling tat most people do, I just get nausea...but still in my mind, I was thinking..."ok, maybe just maybe it is a early symptom" I took my temperature, and i went up a bit more...and I think about my chart pattern and how pretty and steady it looks with such a nice incline in temperatures, but then remember it did the same thing last cycle as well and turned out to be BIG FAT NEGATIVE. But still in my mind, I thought..."it's still going up and i was expecting a drop...could this be my month?" So I get up to go pee and find myself looking at the tissue and praying and hoping for some implant bleeding/spotting. I mean EEWWW, but yet tons of us still do it just to give us that tiny bit of hope that we obsess about and then cling to so dearly just to be all sad and disappointed in the end of our cycles anyways. Sure it might not mean disappointment in the end of every ones cycle, but when you suffer from IF, the majority of all our cycles do not end positively.

So the after finally being out of bed for a little bit, my husband comes up to me and gives my boob a little "honk honk" and I yell at him to be gentle because they are still sensitive. Now I think for a second and remember that although they were very sore right from ovulation for about 5 days, I remember that yesterday they were not, so now I am thinking that "maybe, just maybe, they are getting sensitive again from a early pregnancy symptom" By tis time I have to pee again, and am thinking, "this is twice already this morning....could this be frequent urination?" No, it doesn't end there either...I find that even after sleeping very good last night, after only being up for a couple hours, I am tired. VERY tired. Yet one more early pregnancy symptom to add to the list of obsessiveness.

Now why do we do this to our self? Analyse every little thing that we pray and hope is going to be the result of a BFP, when we all really know that the odds of that, have already been so unfairly stacked against us. It's so silly...but day after day we continue to do it. I have heard of, and am a member of the "pee on a stick addiction club", but now I guess I also have to add my name to the "analysing early pregnancy symptoms addiction club" as well.

My reply to WHY NOT ME - "In a Slump"

This is my reply to a blog I just finished reading. The little spot they give you to post a reply to blog would not let me write everything I had to say, so I put it here and hope that "Why Not Me" will stop by and read my blog.

For those of you who would like to read what I am replying to, please visit her blog at http://sojournergirl.blogspot.com/

My Reply - "Wow - I just finished reading some of your blogs, and I have to say that I felt like it was me who wrote them on your page. I have been feeling exactly the same ways as you have been. I am sorry you have been feeling like that, I know how much it hurts some days, ok, every second of every day. I keep telling myself to accept that I am infertile and will never have a baby, and that if i do accept it that it will make things easier...and at moments I almost feel as though I could accept it and move on, but then the thought of moving on and giving up my dreams and hopes of having my own children breaks my heart all over again. Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I am writing through tears as I feel all of my emotions and thoughts coming to the surface. I feel completely defeated, like I have done all I can do and it still hasn't worked. I feel like a lost little girl, scared, sad and standing in the middle of the forest not knowing which was I am suppose to go and that the moon ad stars are hidden by the clouds so there is no light to guide me to where I want to be. Granted I was pregnant once, which ended in being a ectopic pregnancy and the hardest days of my life. You (I) try so hard to get what I want, months of sadness and disappointment every month, crying and depression...and then, could it be real? 2 pink lines on my hpt. You look again and again, check it every few minutes to make sure it is still there, day after day you keep peeing on that stick to make sure it is real. It was. It was real, I was pregnant! Then to find out something was wrong, we all, including my RE, thought i miscarried and later found out it was ectopic instead. Having to go in to the doctor and getting the same injection that they give people who want a abortion in their early stages, and then spending 3 months waiting for my hcg levels to go back to negative, all the while knowing that that injection was shrivelling up my baby, making it die and disappear being absorbed into my body, and what could not be absorbed would come out in clots throughout the 3 months.....the hardest days of my life. I still cry quite often about it, I still feel the loss of what should have been my baby...the baby that would have been due in about 2 weeks.

Even though I have a great online support group of people who are all going through the same or similar things, but I still feel so alone. I bottle up my emotions and sadness, and then screw the cap on tight so my husband doesn't have to see me cry yet again, but on some days, days like today, the bottle gets too full, emotions start to bubble and there is so much pressure in the bottle that the glass shatters everywhere and everything just comes spilling out. Sure my husband is supportive of my feelings, but even he gets tired of seeing me sad and upset all the time, and although he is sad about our infertility as well, just do not believe it is the same for him. He has a son already who just turned 5 years old, so he will never know what it is like to never have your dreams of having children come true. There are days that he turns to me and tells me that I should be happy to have his son.....I am happy to have him as a step-son, but he is not MINE. He has a mommy of his own, and it is just not the same for me, and my husband just doesn't seen to understand my feelings about it.

Sure, as I said, I was pregnant once, but even my RE said it was probably a "fluke". I use to tell myself that because my hubby had a kid already (without trying for one I might add) that we would have one too. Now I instead find myself spending the days trying to find way to convince myself that I Will be OK if I never got to have a child of my own...but I know it's not true. I truly do not believe that I will be completely happy and fulfilled without children, or at least one. Then I start to worry about everything else. I worry that I will start to resent my step-son...not because of him, he is truly a wonderful little boy who I love very much...but because of how he got here. He was a accident, and it's not even that he was a accident that gets to me, because sometimes the greatest things are accidents, but the fact that his mom is one of those people who I think should never be able to have children. Someone who does not treat him the way she should, she is abusive in many ways and will never appreciate how lucky she is to be able to have children and to already have a child.

I see it in the news every day, ad it makes me SO sad and angry. Another woman pregnant who never wanted to be and is drinking and doing drugs, or a woman who just gave birth and threw her baby in the dumpster, or the women who chose to keep their baby (babies in some cases) and spend all their energy on abusing and hurting those precious little innocent babies and children. I mean, have you seen the latest on facebook about the mother, father and uncle who beaten and raped the beautiful little baby to death, and the grandmother and other family who knew about it and did nothing? It broke my heart to watch it........

I too have questioned the motives of whoever or whatever created this earth and the people on it. Seriously, if there is a God, I just can't see how he could possible be thinking straight in allowing all the messed up people who treat babies and children like crap, abuse them and hurt them, throw them away as if they never existed...but then those of us who would be great mothers, and fathers for the men who also suffer from infertility, we seem to be the ones who have the most troubles an who have to suffer through infertility...what gives??? Ok, so maybe after living through the 60's God, inhaled a little too much of the drug fumes rising in the air and is no longer thinking straight...I don't know, but I do know that it is just not fair, ad in my books, just not right.

The saying "If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger" might be true in a lot of cases, but not infertility. Some days I think that if I just wasn't here I would not feel the pain. Not that I am talking about committing suicide or anything like that, I just mean in general speaking because dealing with infertility doesn't make you stronger, it just breaks you down little by little until you feel like there is nothing left for you to give, nothing left for you to feel with and nothing left for you to do except to curl up in the corner and just cry.

So fr everyone out there who is feeling this way, ad like they are alone in this world and facing the cruel reality of dealing with infertility, you do not stand alone. With infertility starting to be something that is more talked about, and with people more willing to share their stories, we will never be alone. we just have to reach out to each other and let each other know we are here for them. Don't let infertility be silent any longer, stand up, scream and shout out your story, and somewhere, someone will reach out their hand, lend a shoulder to cry on and you will hopefully no longer feel alone.