2 Week Wait - "Pregnancy Symptoms"

OK, so I am in the 2 week wait (2ww) now, 7 days past ovulation, but with still 8 more days until my Fertility Friend chart is telling me to test. 8 more days, are you kidding??? That is a eternity once you hit the 2ww. For me the first week always seems to go by much faster then the second. Maybe it's because you know the first week is way too early to be testing anyways, not that that has stopped me before when I was right in the prime of my peeing on a stick addiction, or maybe it's just because I always SEEM to stay busier during that first week. This cycle the first week went flying by since I have been really busy with 2 more funerals and spending time with my extended family, but now things have gone back to normal and the days seem to get much longer, although it is now staying darker in the mornings longer and getting darker in the evenings faster, so you would think that the days would seem to go by faster instead of slower.

Only 7 dpo, and already I am noticing how I am trying to analyse every little thing that could possible be a early pregnancy symptom. I always tell myself that I am being crazy and that I just need to let it go and wait it out before I start trying to make every little thing into pregnancy symptoms. Especially with this cycle since we have pretty much no chance in hell of being pregnant. I actually thought that with this cycle I would relax and not be symptom obsessive, but today I notices the obsession starting.

• Implantation bleeding (spotting)• A missed period• Basal body temperature • Tender, swollen breasts• Headache• Constipation• Mood Swings• Frequent urination• Fatigue• Nausea or vomiting• Bloating and Heartburn

Just to name a few common early pregnancy symptoms.

So this morning I woke up feeling just a tad bit of nausea. I tired to blow it off as just being hungry, since when I get hungry I don't get the "normal" tummy grumbling tat most people do, I just get nausea...but still in my mind, I was thinking..."ok, maybe just maybe it is a early symptom" I took my temperature, and i went up a bit more...and I think about my chart pattern and how pretty and steady it looks with such a nice incline in temperatures, but then remember it did the same thing last cycle as well and turned out to be BIG FAT NEGATIVE. But still in my mind, I thought..."it's still going up and i was expecting a drop...could this be my month?" So I get up to go pee and find myself looking at the tissue and praying and hoping for some implant bleeding/spotting. I mean EEWWW, but yet tons of us still do it just to give us that tiny bit of hope that we obsess about and then cling to so dearly just to be all sad and disappointed in the end of our cycles anyways. Sure it might not mean disappointment in the end of every ones cycle, but when you suffer from IF, the majority of all our cycles do not end positively.

So the after finally being out of bed for a little bit, my husband comes up to me and gives my boob a little "honk honk" and I yell at him to be gentle because they are still sensitive. Now I think for a second and remember that although they were very sore right from ovulation for about 5 days, I remember that yesterday they were not, so now I am thinking that "maybe, just maybe, they are getting sensitive again from a early pregnancy symptom" By tis time I have to pee again, and am thinking, "this is twice already this morning....could this be frequent urination?" No, it doesn't end there either...I find that even after sleeping very good last night, after only being up for a couple hours, I am tired. VERY tired. Yet one more early pregnancy symptom to add to the list of obsessiveness.

Now why do we do this to our self? Analyse every little thing that we pray and hope is going to be the result of a BFP, when we all really know that the odds of that, have already been so unfairly stacked against us. It's so silly...but day after day we continue to do it. I have heard of, and am a member of the "pee on a stick addiction club", but now I guess I also have to add my name to the "analysing early pregnancy symptoms addiction club" as well.

My reply to WHY NOT ME - "In a Slump"

This is my reply to a blog I just finished reading. The little spot they give you to post a reply to blog would not let me write everything I had to say, so I put it here and hope that "Why Not Me" will stop by and read my blog.

For those of you who would like to read what I am replying to, please visit her blog at http://sojournergirl.blogspot.com/

My Reply - "Wow - I just finished reading some of your blogs, and I have to say that I felt like it was me who wrote them on your page. I have been feeling exactly the same ways as you have been. I am sorry you have been feeling like that, I know how much it hurts some days, ok, every second of every day. I keep telling myself to accept that I am infertile and will never have a baby, and that if i do accept it that it will make things easier...and at moments I almost feel as though I could accept it and move on, but then the thought of moving on and giving up my dreams and hopes of having my own children breaks my heart all over again. Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I am writing through tears as I feel all of my emotions and thoughts coming to the surface. I feel completely defeated, like I have done all I can do and it still hasn't worked. I feel like a lost little girl, scared, sad and standing in the middle of the forest not knowing which was I am suppose to go and that the moon ad stars are hidden by the clouds so there is no light to guide me to where I want to be. Granted I was pregnant once, which ended in being a ectopic pregnancy and the hardest days of my life. You (I) try so hard to get what I want, months of sadness and disappointment every month, crying and depression...and then, could it be real? 2 pink lines on my hpt. You look again and again, check it every few minutes to make sure it is still there, day after day you keep peeing on that stick to make sure it is real. It was. It was real, I was pregnant! Then to find out something was wrong, we all, including my RE, thought i miscarried and later found out it was ectopic instead. Having to go in to the doctor and getting the same injection that they give people who want a abortion in their early stages, and then spending 3 months waiting for my hcg levels to go back to negative, all the while knowing that that injection was shrivelling up my baby, making it die and disappear being absorbed into my body, and what could not be absorbed would come out in clots throughout the 3 months.....the hardest days of my life. I still cry quite often about it, I still feel the loss of what should have been my baby...the baby that would have been due in about 2 weeks.

Even though I have a great online support group of people who are all going through the same or similar things, but I still feel so alone. I bottle up my emotions and sadness, and then screw the cap on tight so my husband doesn't have to see me cry yet again, but on some days, days like today, the bottle gets too full, emotions start to bubble and there is so much pressure in the bottle that the glass shatters everywhere and everything just comes spilling out. Sure my husband is supportive of my feelings, but even he gets tired of seeing me sad and upset all the time, and although he is sad about our infertility as well, just do not believe it is the same for him. He has a son already who just turned 5 years old, so he will never know what it is like to never have your dreams of having children come true. There are days that he turns to me and tells me that I should be happy to have his son.....I am happy to have him as a step-son, but he is not MINE. He has a mommy of his own, and it is just not the same for me, and my husband just doesn't seen to understand my feelings about it.

Sure, as I said, I was pregnant once, but even my RE said it was probably a "fluke". I use to tell myself that because my hubby had a kid already (without trying for one I might add) that we would have one too. Now I instead find myself spending the days trying to find way to convince myself that I Will be OK if I never got to have a child of my own...but I know it's not true. I truly do not believe that I will be completely happy and fulfilled without children, or at least one. Then I start to worry about everything else. I worry that I will start to resent my step-son...not because of him, he is truly a wonderful little boy who I love very much...but because of how he got here. He was a accident, and it's not even that he was a accident that gets to me, because sometimes the greatest things are accidents, but the fact that his mom is one of those people who I think should never be able to have children. Someone who does not treat him the way she should, she is abusive in many ways and will never appreciate how lucky she is to be able to have children and to already have a child.

I see it in the news every day, ad it makes me SO sad and angry. Another woman pregnant who never wanted to be and is drinking and doing drugs, or a woman who just gave birth and threw her baby in the dumpster, or the women who chose to keep their baby (babies in some cases) and spend all their energy on abusing and hurting those precious little innocent babies and children. I mean, have you seen the latest on facebook about the mother, father and uncle who beaten and raped the beautiful little baby to death, and the grandmother and other family who knew about it and did nothing? It broke my heart to watch it........

I too have questioned the motives of whoever or whatever created this earth and the people on it. Seriously, if there is a God, I just can't see how he could possible be thinking straight in allowing all the messed up people who treat babies and children like crap, abuse them and hurt them, throw them away as if they never existed...but then those of us who would be great mothers, and fathers for the men who also suffer from infertility, we seem to be the ones who have the most troubles an who have to suffer through infertility...what gives??? Ok, so maybe after living through the 60's God, inhaled a little too much of the drug fumes rising in the air and is no longer thinking straight...I don't know, but I do know that it is just not fair, ad in my books, just not right.

The saying "If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger" might be true in a lot of cases, but not infertility. Some days I think that if I just wasn't here I would not feel the pain. Not that I am talking about committing suicide or anything like that, I just mean in general speaking because dealing with infertility doesn't make you stronger, it just breaks you down little by little until you feel like there is nothing left for you to give, nothing left for you to feel with and nothing left for you to do except to curl up in the corner and just cry.

So fr everyone out there who is feeling this way, ad like they are alone in this world and facing the cruel reality of dealing with infertility, you do not stand alone. With infertility starting to be something that is more talked about, and with people more willing to share their stories, we will never be alone. we just have to reach out to each other and let each other know we are here for them. Don't let infertility be silent any longer, stand up, scream and shout out your story, and somewhere, someone will reach out their hand, lend a shoulder to cry on and you will hopefully no longer feel alone.

Fertil Focus

Hmm, well as of right now, I am a little unsure about the Fertile Focus Ovulation Monitor. I am not making up my mind yet of course, I will give it a fair chance first.

Yesterday I had horrid ovulation pains, to the point where I hurt to walk, sit, lay down, bend over...anything and everything. Them to top it off, my boobs started to hurt too, which I never get unless it is close to wonderful period time again. A friend on Fertility Friend told me I should go do a opk test just to see...which I posted yesterday and was positive. I did have slight temp rise today, but it is much too soon to know if it will stay elevated or not, so if I was to sit back and look at all the signs, I would say I was ovulating, or about to. However, when i did the Fertile Focus test yesterday morning, I only had a tiny bit of ferning pattern, and I tested again last night, and it was completely negative. What the heck??? I didn't think it was that hard of a test, put a bit of saliva on the little microscope, let it dry then look at it. But I would think if I was ovulating or about to, I should see a full ferning pattern by now. Am I doing it wrong or something?

Today's OPK

So, I am only on cd 11 today but having nasty ovulation pains most of the day. Usually I only get nasty ones nthe day of ovulation,and sometimes some slight little ones before, but never like this! I used my fertil focus monito this morning and it gave me partial ferning pattern. I never dd opk tet because I thouht itwould be a waste....but then i broke down to the peeing on astick urge...or in my case, dipping the stick in the little pee cup. The results.....

So now I don't know, do these look opk+ to you ladies?

FertileCM

Hello ladies of the TTC world. Although I have not finished my cycle yet to give a full review of the FertilCM I am now taking, I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on how things are going so far. Now normally I don't have very much CM at all before or during ovulation, infact I had ordered some pre-seed to try and help that problem out a bit. Well I am on cd 11 now and have been taking the FertilCM that I got from Fairhaven Health for a little over a week now, and I just can not believe the results already.

Already I have tons of CM, yes maybe that is TMI, but for all you ladies who have the same problem that I did with lack ofCM, this stuff really does work!!! I recommend it to anyone who needs a little help in the CM area.

3 column blogging pages

I am just wondering where/how I would get one of the 3 column blogging pages? Anyone know and can help me please. I have tried changing my page to a layout that says 3 column on it, but it always comes up as 2 columns still and then cuts off the sides of my page....HELP PLEASE!!!

Been a while

CD 11 now, the past couple weeks have been filled with craziness, so the first 1 1/2 weeks have flown by.

First hubby and I went back home to Ontario and hit a huge buck on the way, which they now value the damage done to the car at around $5000 and are debating if they are going to fix it or write it off. Then I got a call I really wish I wouldn't have gotten...my best friends mom passed away from a massive heart attack, so I turned around, made the 5 hours trip back home to be with her for a few days. We went camping for a weekend and got rained on right until we had to pack up to leave. Go figure!!! We did have a good time though, and I met some great people who are friends of my sister-in-law and my hubby. But then after camping and we came home, we got the news that my hubby's 2 uncles who have been in the hospital for a while now both took a turn for the worse. One passed away last night, and we think the other will still have a while here before he passes away, though I guess you never really know what will happen.

So ya, it's been crazy and really busy and the days/evenings we do have some free time, it is cold and raining out so we sit and do nothing and try to relax a bit. Hopefully with keeping busy, I won't obsess over TTC and maybe this month will go by a bit faster and even better would be to get a BFP at the end of my cycle. FX that this is our month.