Tuesday, August 25, 2009

2 Week Wait - "Pregnancy Symptoms"

OK, so I am in the 2 week wait (2ww) now, 7 days past ovulation, but with still 8 more days until my Fertility Friend chart is telling me to test. 8 more days, are you kidding??? That is a eternity once you hit the 2ww. For me the first week always seems to go by much faster then the second. Maybe it's because you know the first week is way too early to be testing anyways, not that that has stopped me before when I was right in the prime of my peeing on a stick addiction, or maybe it's just because I always SEEM to stay busier during that first week. This cycle the first week went flying by since I have been really busy with 2 more funerals and spending time with my extended family, but now things have gone back to normal and the days seem to get much longer, although it is now staying darker in the mornings longer and getting darker in the evenings faster, so you would think that the days would seem to go by faster instead of slower.

Only 7 dpo, and already I am noticing how I am trying to analyse every little thing that could possible be a early pregnancy symptom. I always tell myself that I am being crazy and that I just need to let it go and wait it out before I start trying to make every little thing into pregnancy symptoms. Especially with this cycle since we have pretty much no chance in hell of being pregnant. I actually thought that with this cycle I would relax and not be symptom obsessive, but today I notices the obsession starting.

• Implantation bleeding (spotting)• A missed period• Basal body temperature • Tender, swollen breasts• Headache• Constipation• Mood Swings• Frequent urination• Fatigue• Nausea or vomiting• Bloating and Heartburn

Just to name a few common early pregnancy symptoms.

So this morning I woke up feeling just a tad bit of nausea. I tired to blow it off as just being hungry, since when I get hungry I don't get the "normal" tummy grumbling tat most people do, I just get nausea...but still in my mind, I was thinking..."ok, maybe just maybe it is a early symptom" I took my temperature, and i went up a bit more...and I think about my chart pattern and how pretty and steady it looks with such a nice incline in temperatures, but then remember it did the same thing last cycle as well and turned out to be BIG FAT NEGATIVE. But still in my mind, I thought..."it's still going up and i was expecting a drop...could this be my month?" So I get up to go pee and find myself looking at the tissue and praying and hoping for some implant bleeding/spotting. I mean EEWWW, but yet tons of us still do it just to give us that tiny bit of hope that we obsess about and then cling to so dearly just to be all sad and disappointed in the end of our cycles anyways. Sure it might not mean disappointment in the end of every ones cycle, but when you suffer from IF, the majority of all our cycles do not end positively.

So the after finally being out of bed for a little bit, my husband comes up to me and gives my boob a little "honk honk" and I yell at him to be gentle because they are still sensitive. Now I think for a second and remember that although they were very sore right from ovulation for about 5 days, I remember that yesterday they were not, so now I am thinking that "maybe, just maybe, they are getting sensitive again from a early pregnancy symptom" By tis time I have to pee again, and am thinking, "this is twice already this morning....could this be frequent urination?" No, it doesn't end there either...I find that even after sleeping very good last night, after only being up for a couple hours, I am tired. VERY tired. Yet one more early pregnancy symptom to add to the list of obsessiveness.

Now why do we do this to our self? Analyse every little thing that we pray and hope is going to be the result of a BFP, when we all really know that the odds of that, have already been so unfairly stacked against us. It's so silly...but day after day we continue to do it. I have heard of, and am a member of the "pee on a stick addiction club", but now I guess I also have to add my name to the "analysing early pregnancy symptoms addiction club" as well.

Friday, August 21, 2009

My reply to WHY NOT ME - "In a Slump"

This is my reply to a blog I just finished reading. The little spot they give you to post a reply to blog would not let me write everything I had to say, so I put it here and hope that "Why Not Me" will stop by and read my blog.

For those of you who would like to read what I am replying to, please visit her blog at http://sojournergirl.blogspot.com/

My Reply - "Wow - I just finished reading some of your blogs, and I have to say that I felt like it was me who wrote them on your page. I have been feeling exactly the same ways as you have been. I am sorry you have been feeling like that, I know how much it hurts some days, ok, every second of every day. I keep telling myself to accept that I am infertile and will never have a baby, and that if i do accept it that it will make things easier...and at moments I almost feel as though I could accept it and move on, but then the thought of moving on and giving up my dreams and hopes of having my own children breaks my heart all over again. Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I am writing through tears as I feel all of my emotions and thoughts coming to the surface. I feel completely defeated, like I have done all I can do and it still hasn't worked. I feel like a lost little girl, scared, sad and standing in the middle of the forest not knowing which was I am suppose to go and that the moon ad stars are hidden by the clouds so there is no light to guide me to where I want to be. Granted I was pregnant once, which ended in being a ectopic pregnancy and the hardest days of my life. You (I) try so hard to get what I want, months of sadness and disappointment every month, crying and depression...and then, could it be real? 2 pink lines on my hpt. You look again and again, check it every few minutes to make sure it is still there, day after day you keep peeing on that stick to make sure it is real. It was. It was real, I was pregnant! Then to find out something was wrong, we all, including my RE, thought i miscarried and later found out it was ectopic instead. Having to go in to the doctor and getting the same injection that they give people who want a abortion in their early stages, and then spending 3 months waiting for my hcg levels to go back to negative, all the while knowing that that injection was shrivelling up my baby, making it die and disappear being absorbed into my body, and what could not be absorbed would come out in clots throughout the 3 months.....the hardest days of my life. I still cry quite often about it, I still feel the loss of what should have been my baby...the baby that would have been due in about 2 weeks.

Even though I have a great online support group of people who are all going through the same or similar things, but I still feel so alone. I bottle up my emotions and sadness, and then screw the cap on tight so my husband doesn't have to see me cry yet again, but on some days, days like today, the bottle gets too full, emotions start to bubble and there is so much pressure in the bottle that the glass shatters everywhere and everything just comes spilling out. Sure my husband is supportive of my feelings, but even he gets tired of seeing me sad and upset all the time, and although he is sad about our infertility as well, just do not believe it is the same for him. He has a son already who just turned 5 years old, so he will never know what it is like to never have your dreams of having children come true. There are days that he turns to me and tells me that I should be happy to have his son.....I am happy to have him as a step-son, but he is not MINE. He has a mommy of his own, and it is just not the same for me, and my husband just doesn't seen to understand my feelings about it.

Sure, as I said, I was pregnant once, but even my RE said it was probably a "fluke". I use to tell myself that because my hubby had a kid already (without trying for one I might add) that we would have one too. Now I instead find myself spending the days trying to find way to convince myself that I Will be OK if I never got to have a child of my own...but I know it's not true. I truly do not believe that I will be completely happy and fulfilled without children, or at least one. Then I start to worry about everything else. I worry that I will start to resent my step-son...not because of him, he is truly a wonderful little boy who I love very much...but because of how he got here. He was a accident, and it's not even that he was a accident that gets to me, because sometimes the greatest things are accidents, but the fact that his mom is one of those people who I think should never be able to have children. Someone who does not treat him the way she should, she is abusive in many ways and will never appreciate how lucky she is to be able to have children and to already have a child.

I see it in the news every day, ad it makes me SO sad and angry. Another woman pregnant who never wanted to be and is drinking and doing drugs, or a woman who just gave birth and threw her baby in the dumpster, or the women who chose to keep their baby (babies in some cases) and spend all their energy on abusing and hurting those precious little innocent babies and children. I mean, have you seen the latest on facebook about the mother, father and uncle who beaten and raped the beautiful little baby to death, and the grandmother and other family who knew about it and did nothing? It broke my heart to watch it........

I too have questioned the motives of whoever or whatever created this earth and the people on it. Seriously, if there is a God, I just can't see how he could possible be thinking straight in allowing all the messed up people who treat babies and children like crap, abuse them and hurt them, throw them away as if they never existed...but then those of us who would be great mothers, and fathers for the men who also suffer from infertility, we seem to be the ones who have the most troubles an who have to suffer through infertility...what gives??? Ok, so maybe after living through the 60's God, inhaled a little too much of the drug fumes rising in the air and is no longer thinking straight...I don't know, but I do know that it is just not fair, ad in my books, just not right.

The saying "If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger" might be true in a lot of cases, but not infertility. Some days I think that if I just wasn't here I would not feel the pain. Not that I am talking about committing suicide or anything like that, I just mean in general speaking because dealing with infertility doesn't make you stronger, it just breaks you down little by little until you feel like there is nothing left for you to give, nothing left for you to feel with and nothing left for you to do except to curl up in the corner and just cry.

So fr everyone out there who is feeling this way, ad like they are alone in this world and facing the cruel reality of dealing with infertility, you do not stand alone. With infertility starting to be something that is more talked about, and with people more willing to share their stories, we will never be alone. we just have to reach out to each other and let each other know we are here for them. Don't let infertility be silent any longer, stand up, scream and shout out your story, and somewhere, someone will reach out their hand, lend a shoulder to cry on and you will hopefully no longer feel alone.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Fertil Focus

Hmm, well as of right now, I am a little unsure about the Fertile Focus Ovulation Monitor. I am not making up my mind yet of course, I will give it a fair chance first.

Yesterday I had horrid ovulation pains, to the point where I hurt to walk, sit, lay down, bend over...anything and everything. Them to top it off, my boobs started to hurt too, which I never get unless it is close to wonderful period time again. A friend on Fertility Friend told me I should go do a opk test just to see...which I posted yesterday and was positive. I did have slight temp rise today, but it is much too soon to know if it will stay elevated or not, so if I was to sit back and look at all the signs, I would say I was ovulating, or about to. However, when i did the Fertile Focus test yesterday morning, I only had a tiny bit of ferning pattern, and I tested again last night, and it was completely negative. What the heck??? I didn't think it was that hard of a test, put a bit of saliva on the little microscope, let it dry then look at it. But I would think if I was ovulating or about to, I should see a full ferning pattern by now. Am I doing it wrong or something?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Today's OPK

So, I am only on cd 11 today but having nasty ovulation pains most of the day. Usually I only get nasty ones nthe day of ovulation,and sometimes some slight little ones before, but never like this! I used my fertil focus monito this morning and it gave me partial ferning pattern. I never dd opk tet because I thouht itwould be a waste....but then i broke down to the peeing on astick urge...or in my case, dipping the stick in the little pee cup. The results.....

So now I don't know, do these look opk+ to you ladies?


Hello ladies of the TTC world. Although I have not finished my cycle yet to give a full review of the FertilCM I am now taking, I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on how things are going so far. Now normally I don't have very much CM at all before or during ovulation, infact I had ordered some pre-seed to try and help that problem out a bit. Well I am on cd 11 now and have been taking the FertilCM that I got from Fairhaven Health for a little over a week now, and I just can not believe the results already.

Add Image Already I have tons of CM, yes maybe that is TMI, but for all you ladies who have the same problem that I did with lack ofCM, this stuff really does work!!! I recommend it to anyone who needs a little help in the CM area.

3 column blogging pages

I am just wondering where/how I would get one of the 3 column blogging pages? Anyone know and can help me please. I have tried changing my page to a layout that says 3 column on it, but it always comes up as 2 columns still and then cuts off the sides of my page....HELP PLEASE!!!

Been a while

CD 11 now, the past couple weeks have been filled with craziness, so the first 1 1/2 weeks have flown by.

First hubby and I went back home to Ontario and hit a huge buck on the way, which they now value the damage done to the car at around $5000 and are debating if they are going to fix it or write it off. Then I got a call I really wish I wouldn't have gotten...my best friends mom passed away from a massive heart attack, so I turned around, made the 5 hours trip back home to be with her for a few days. We went camping for a weekend and got rained on right until we had to pack up to leave. Go figure!!! We did have a good time though, and I met some great people who are friends of my sister-in-law and my hubby. But then after camping and we came home, we got the news that my hubby's 2 uncles who have been in the hospital for a while now both took a turn for the worse. One passed away last night, and we think the other will still have a while here before he passes away, though I guess you never really know what will happen.

So ya, it's been crazy and really busy and the days/evenings we do have some free time, it is cold and raining out so we sit and do nothing and try to relax a bit. Hopefully with keeping busy, I won't obsess over TTC and maybe this month will go by a bit faster and even better would be to get a BFP at the end of my cycle. FX that this is our month.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Big Fat Evap Lines

So, as per doctors orders, I tested today. I love having the excuse of having doctors orders to test now...well to a point, but at least it gives me a excuse to feed my pee-on-a-stick addiction. I told myself I wasn't going to test today so I could avoid the disappointment all over again, but gave in. Not paying attention as I reached into my box of goodies and tests, I grabbed a stick to pee on and did the test, and to my disbelief, 2 lines appeared. Not a dark and a light little faint line, but 2 blaring dark ones. I was in shock and over joyed, and then seen green. Well wait a minute now, what I had here was a ovulation test, not a pregnancy test. My heart sank.

I then remembered that someone once told me that you could use a ovulation test to test for pregnancy if your hcg level was high enough, so I thought maybe, just maybe I should try a pregnancy test now. I used a cheapie, and NOTHING. Not really a surprise of shock though. A couple hours later I happened to leave the test on the counter an looked again...a little line...could it be? Could I be getting a late +hpt??? So, I took another test, this time I used a good one. BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!! Stupid evap lines. I guess it is all in a days work of being a TTC'er.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

AF Should be here

Well, wonderful Aunt Flow should be here tomorrow. I am on CD 28, and 14 dpo with nothing but BIG FAT NEGATIVES. So now instead of starting another cycle tomorrow like I should be, I still have to take these progesterone pills for 2 more nights, and then wait 2-3 days for Aunt Flow to come knocking at my door step. 4-5 more days, are you kidding me? All it is, is 4-5 more days that will remind me that I am one again NOT PREGNANT.

The worse part is, I will sill get up and test every one of those mornings just to make sure since you can never fully give up hope until Aunt Flow does arrive, and because the fertility doctor told me that I should be testing now just to be sure of things, which will mean 4-5 more days of probably crying and being upset, wondering WHY we can't seem to get pregnant, and what we MUST be doing wrong to not be getting pregnant. I have never cried so much my whole life as what I do each time AF arrives...the joys of TTC and infertility.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

FairHaven Health and natural fertility products.

A couple weeks ago, I was on my YouTube, which if I remember I will add a link to my TTC journey on the side bar so that if you want to follow me on there you can do that as well. Anyways, a couple weeks ago, I was contacted by a lady named Barbara who works for Fairhaven Health, asking if I would like to try some products from Fairhaven Health and take a natural approach on my fertility. This couldn't have come at a better time for me since my husband was already pushing at me to try a "natural" approach to our fertility issues.

Fairhaven Health is a company that produces all natural, OBGYN approved non-prescription products for couples who are TTC or women who are already pregnant or breastfeeding. They were kind enough to send me a couple products for me to try and review. I was sent some FertilAid, FertiliTea, FertilCM and a Fertile Focus fertility monitor, all of which I will be starting as soon as my next period starts in a few days. If you read my first blog,you will know that I did got pregnant last December using these products, so I am very excited to be able to try them again and hope for good results again. So watch for my product reviews to come.

I would also like to "introduce" you all to Barbara's other websites, which she does great give aways and special discount codes on. Her Facebook and Twitter name is FERTILAIDAMY and she has such great expert advice, loads of information, quick fertility tips, amazing fertility articles and links to a lot of great resources.

Also,if you go to the Fairhaven Health website,which is


there are links at the bottom of the page to her Facebook and Twitter

One more great thing, is she also gave me a discount code that anyone can use if you do order anything off the website and get 10%off your order.

The code word is: sunshine09


A Bit About Our TTC Journy So Far

I am new to blogging, so bare with me please.

I am 28 years old and my husband, Dereck, and I have been TTC for just over a year now. I must say, I never thought getting pregnant would be this hard or such a roller coaster ride of emotions, trials and tribulations. When you're young people always tell you how careful you need to be while having sex, and making sure you are using good protection and lots of precautions. People make a big deal about if you miss a pill, or a condom breaks or if you just have unsafe sex. Sure of course this could lead to easy and maybe a unwanted pregnancy by some, but it also makes you believe that when your time does come when you are ready and trying to have a baby that it is going to be a easy task. Well as I have learned over the past year, it is NOT easy for everyone and there is a lot more to it then just "sliding it in and going at it". Here is the short of the long story of my TTC journey so far:

My husband and I started TTC just over a year ago when we got married July 19, 2008. We thought for sure we would be pregnant by the time we got back from the honeymoon. At this time I knew very little about my body, about how male/female reproductive organs worked and the science of making a baby. When the first couple months went by and we still were not pregnant...I know, a couple months is nothing in the TTC world, but when you're new to it and thinking it is going to be a breeze, it seems like forever...anyways, after a couple months i started doing some research online. Then started using Fertility Friend to do my temperature charting with to see when I was ovulating. Once I charted a couple months of temperatures, I noticed a pattern, and by no mean was it the pattern I was looking for. I had no clear temperature shifts, and in fact my temperatures were about as erratic as I had see on a lot of charts.

I knew by this point that was having anovulaory cycles. I contacted my doctor and he sent me to a fertility specialist, which I thought was great and I was very excited about it until I learned that it as a 6 month wait to get in. Now, I am a very impatient person when it comes to something I want as bad as what I want baby, so I decided to do some more research and see if there was anything I could d to help my cycles. I came across some natural fertility websites, and ordered some FertilAid ad FertiliTea. I started these products in the beginning of December 2008, and almost immediately my temperatures stated evening out, and within a few days I ovulated for the first time. I was very excited. Not expecting much and being happy with the progress so far, I was never expecting to end up pregnant at the end of that cycle, but I was over-joyed that I in fact was.
December 23 2008 - first + hpt (home pregnancy test)
January 1 2009 - I started spotting, and on January 4th I started heavy bleeding and had horrid pains. I was sure I was miscarrying. In the midst of this, I got a note from my doctor saying that he had my appointment with the fertility doctor moved up to January 12 2009. I called them to see if they wanted me to have the miscarriage confirmed then, or wait until my appointment. He said to wait.
At my first appointment with my new fertility doctor, he did a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had a clean miscarriage, but wanted m to go and have my hcg levels checked and watched until they went back down to 0, so we would know when we could start baby dancing again. Well to our surprise, after the first 2 blood tests they called and said that my hcg levels were going up and not down. They rushed me in for a emergency ultrasound and found out I had a ectopic pregnancy in my right tube. I had to have a methotrexate injection to have my baby removed, which was probably the hardest day of my life. For 3 months we monitored my hcg levels, which are as follows:
01/22/09-methotrexate injection
~~Hcg Levels~~
04/08/09-NEGATIVE!!!! Wahoooooo
It was time to get back to baby dancing again!!! During the time we were waiting, our doctor had my hubby do a semen analysis. His results came back not so great, and as you can imagine, we were feeling like it was just one more obstacle in our way of ever getting our dream of having a baby together. My husband has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship who was not planned, which made it even harder for us to accept him having any fertility issues. His results were as follows:
Amount collected -.8 ml
Count - 58.5 million.ml
Morphology - 7 %
Motility - 10 %
Progression Number - 2 (moving in place, forward slow meandering)
My fertility doctor put me on Metformin for my anovulatory cycles, and also Femara to help me ovulate. I stared on 5 mg of the Femara and did 3 cycles of that with still nothing but disappointment and BIG FAT NEGATIVES. Our fertility doctor ordered another SA (semen analysis) for my husband and upped my Femara dose to the highest possible, which is 7,5 mg. W did get some good news, my hubby's SA came back a bit better then before. I had him taking certain vitamins that were suppose to help, and guess they must have a bit. His new SA results were:
Amount collected - 1.2 ml
Count - 54 million/ml
Morphology - 12 %
Motility 80%
Progression Number - 3-3+ (Very fast direct forward movements)
I am now on cd 26, 13 dpo and having some pretty bad period cramps. I am also on Progesterone to help keep my LP at a good length, so I am just waiting for a couple more days have to finish the progesterone and wait for wonderful AF to come then on to a new cycle. My husband has been pushing me to do another cycle of the FertilAid and FertiliTea since when I used it last time I got pregnant. Sooooo, starting next cycle I will be doing that and see if it helps any. Stay tuned for more updates.