Friday, August 21, 2009

My reply to WHY NOT ME - "In a Slump"

This is my reply to a blog I just finished reading. The little spot they give you to post a reply to blog would not let me write everything I had to say, so I put it here and hope that "Why Not Me" will stop by and read my blog.

For those of you who would like to read what I am replying to, please visit her blog at

My Reply - "Wow - I just finished reading some of your blogs, and I have to say that I felt like it was me who wrote them on your page. I have been feeling exactly the same ways as you have been. I am sorry you have been feeling like that, I know how much it hurts some days, ok, every second of every day. I keep telling myself to accept that I am infertile and will never have a baby, and that if i do accept it that it will make things easier...and at moments I almost feel as though I could accept it and move on, but then the thought of moving on and giving up my dreams and hopes of having my own children breaks my heart all over again. Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I am writing through tears as I feel all of my emotions and thoughts coming to the surface. I feel completely defeated, like I have done all I can do and it still hasn't worked. I feel like a lost little girl, scared, sad and standing in the middle of the forest not knowing which was I am suppose to go and that the moon ad stars are hidden by the clouds so there is no light to guide me to where I want to be. Granted I was pregnant once, which ended in being a ectopic pregnancy and the hardest days of my life. You (I) try so hard to get what I want, months of sadness and disappointment every month, crying and depression...and then, could it be real? 2 pink lines on my hpt. You look again and again, check it every few minutes to make sure it is still there, day after day you keep peeing on that stick to make sure it is real. It was. It was real, I was pregnant! Then to find out something was wrong, we all, including my RE, thought i miscarried and later found out it was ectopic instead. Having to go in to the doctor and getting the same injection that they give people who want a abortion in their early stages, and then spending 3 months waiting for my hcg levels to go back to negative, all the while knowing that that injection was shrivelling up my baby, making it die and disappear being absorbed into my body, and what could not be absorbed would come out in clots throughout the 3 months.....the hardest days of my life. I still cry quite often about it, I still feel the loss of what should have been my baby...the baby that would have been due in about 2 weeks.

Even though I have a great online support group of people who are all going through the same or similar things, but I still feel so alone. I bottle up my emotions and sadness, and then screw the cap on tight so my husband doesn't have to see me cry yet again, but on some days, days like today, the bottle gets too full, emotions start to bubble and there is so much pressure in the bottle that the glass shatters everywhere and everything just comes spilling out. Sure my husband is supportive of my feelings, but even he gets tired of seeing me sad and upset all the time, and although he is sad about our infertility as well, just do not believe it is the same for him. He has a son already who just turned 5 years old, so he will never know what it is like to never have your dreams of having children come true. There are days that he turns to me and tells me that I should be happy to have his son.....I am happy to have him as a step-son, but he is not MINE. He has a mommy of his own, and it is just not the same for me, and my husband just doesn't seen to understand my feelings about it.

Sure, as I said, I was pregnant once, but even my RE said it was probably a "fluke". I use to tell myself that because my hubby had a kid already (without trying for one I might add) that we would have one too. Now I instead find myself spending the days trying to find way to convince myself that I Will be OK if I never got to have a child of my own...but I know it's not true. I truly do not believe that I will be completely happy and fulfilled without children, or at least one. Then I start to worry about everything else. I worry that I will start to resent my step-son...not because of him, he is truly a wonderful little boy who I love very much...but because of how he got here. He was a accident, and it's not even that he was a accident that gets to me, because sometimes the greatest things are accidents, but the fact that his mom is one of those people who I think should never be able to have children. Someone who does not treat him the way she should, she is abusive in many ways and will never appreciate how lucky she is to be able to have children and to already have a child.

I see it in the news every day, ad it makes me SO sad and angry. Another woman pregnant who never wanted to be and is drinking and doing drugs, or a woman who just gave birth and threw her baby in the dumpster, or the women who chose to keep their baby (babies in some cases) and spend all their energy on abusing and hurting those precious little innocent babies and children. I mean, have you seen the latest on facebook about the mother, father and uncle who beaten and raped the beautiful little baby to death, and the grandmother and other family who knew about it and did nothing? It broke my heart to watch it........

I too have questioned the motives of whoever or whatever created this earth and the people on it. Seriously, if there is a God, I just can't see how he could possible be thinking straight in allowing all the messed up people who treat babies and children like crap, abuse them and hurt them, throw them away as if they never existed...but then those of us who would be great mothers, and fathers for the men who also suffer from infertility, we seem to be the ones who have the most troubles an who have to suffer through infertility...what gives??? Ok, so maybe after living through the 60's God, inhaled a little too much of the drug fumes rising in the air and is no longer thinking straight...I don't know, but I do know that it is just not fair, ad in my books, just not right.

The saying "If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger" might be true in a lot of cases, but not infertility. Some days I think that if I just wasn't here I would not feel the pain. Not that I am talking about committing suicide or anything like that, I just mean in general speaking because dealing with infertility doesn't make you stronger, it just breaks you down little by little until you feel like there is nothing left for you to give, nothing left for you to feel with and nothing left for you to do except to curl up in the corner and just cry.

So fr everyone out there who is feeling this way, ad like they are alone in this world and facing the cruel reality of dealing with infertility, you do not stand alone. With infertility starting to be something that is more talked about, and with people more willing to share their stories, we will never be alone. we just have to reach out to each other and let each other know we are here for them. Don't let infertility be silent any longer, stand up, scream and shout out your story, and somewhere, someone will reach out their hand, lend a shoulder to cry on and you will hopefully no longer feel alone.


  1. I too have had an ectopic and it is the worst thing I've ever experienced. Some days, I feel so down and upset as we're going through this IF journey - and I feel exactly like you do. It's so damn tough sometimes. Great post in response. Love your blog! Take care of yourself! Hugs.

  2. Your comments were so thoughtful and articulate. I'm so, so terribly sorry about your ectopic pregnancy - I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must've been for you!! I know first hand what it's like to feel alone in a sea of women just like you because, at the end of the day, each one of us deals with this differently. The hardest part, I think, is that there's a part of us that can't and won't give up hope because it all seems like a bad dream. I wish I had some really meaningful words of encouragement for you, but all I can tell you is that you're not alone. I'm grateful for your words and your willingness to open up and share your feelings about this. Lots of hugs!!! Alexa